[ He leans into those kisses, though he's very much aware that Claude shouldn't even be touching him, a mass murderer, so many lives on his hands now that he can't even begin to count. The other man isn't a pacifist by any means, he understands war and rebellion and uprisings but Anakin isn't stupid enough not to know that what he did when he marched on the Temple was none of those things. It was a trade, plain and simple, a way to keep what he thought he'd otherwise lose. Obi-Wan called the Jedi his family.
To Anakin, they were and are dispensible.
Claude's voice is quiet as he holds him, speaking close to his ear and Anakin imagines that his breath should be warm, gentle. Around them, the shuttle trembles faintly from strain as the pressure chamber slowly but surely taps it of energy. They'll have to break this moment soon, sooner than either of them wants, and then, there will be reality. What Anakin did. What Claude should choose to love, if he can.
If he can't...
Anakin pushes the thought away. ]
You are not anymore.
[ He squeezes Claude's waist briefly before pulling back, straightening into his seated position once more. Looking at Claude, eating up the visual of him, he thinks about the mask. In a moment, yes, he'll have to let go of this. They can't stay. They can't. Not like this. Eventually, if they were to simply freeze here, unmoving, the shuttle would tumble from its hyperlane and be dead in space, lost. He thinks about Claude leaving again, refusing to love him now, with what he is, what he's done and the thought of floating in nothing forever seems almost pleasant in comparison.
Again, he's afraid.
His gaze slides away. ]
But perhaps you would prefer to be, once you know the whole story.
Honestly, for now I just want you to tell me. That's good enough.
[ When Anakin straightens up, so does Claude, though he doesn't stand up completely, needing to stay on eye-level with the other man, although his thighs are buzzing and feeling painful and tight from his crouched position. He makes no promises of after. Being more than able to imagine the extents to which Anakin has gone to end up here, he can't imagine the story that led up to it and he needs to hear it, before they can know where it leaves them, either of them. He makes no promises he might not be able to keep, but he can lend his ear and he can be present to accept what Anakin is willingly giving him. Others would have let him puzzle it together on his own, but Anakin and him... They were never like that. Anakin grapples with his fear. Anakin faces him head on.
Whatever came before, that is admirable. That is true to who they are with each other. ]
Thank you, Anakin.
[ Reaching up, he strokes the other man's cheek once more before letting his elbows come to a rest on his thighs, waiting. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for your honesty, thank you for fighting, trying... I'm fighting, trying, too.
So, they can fight, try together.
As he looks at him, at his familiar features, changed almost beyond recognition, though not for Claude, never for him, Claude thinks that forgiveness isn't in the cards here. Forgiveness isn't in play. The Empire is an atrocity in and by itself, what hasn't Anakin become to serve it. But then he remembers Anakin's history and he thinks, he has served atrocities before, what you are and what you do aren't always synonymous.
Sometimes you act, not due to something inside you, but due to everything around you.
He hopes it's something like that, kriff, he hopes. ]
[ They sit there, opposite one another, and if he closes his eyes, he can still feel the imprints of Claude's fingers against his cheek. That's good enough, he says because Claude was always like this - prepared to wait, to hear him out and then, to listen. He never thought he'd have that again and maybe he won't, maybe there's a limit to the things Claude will understand and live alongside. A part of him wants to remember how to accept such things - that sometimes, people want different things and paths converge only briefly before they part. He used to know about this. He told his mother goodbye after knowing nothing but her, but them, thinking that they might never see each other again.
Then, he held her in his arms, her blood pooling against the sands, and he forgot.
The pain of loss is, indeed, crippling. With all the pain he's been dealt, it still rates higher than anything. ]
I thought that Sidious - Palpatine - would help me. [ He looks at his hands, flexes his fingers slowly. ] I foresaw your death and he promised...
[ His lips tighten. He takes a breath, the sound harsh, rattling. ]
But then you died anyway or so I thought. And the things I'd done in exchange for his help were not compatible with my old life. I destroyed the Jedi.
[ Slowly, he looks back at Claude, his own gaze flat. Resigned, too, though his voice doesn't tremble. This truth is both hateful and unremarkable; he didn't like striking them down, as he generally doesn't like killing, but he'd done it willingly. He'd done it without a chip in his head and he still doesn't mourn them nor the life they lived, the life he watched from the outside, even after they stopped treating him like a stranger. Anakin never belonged. He's well-aware. ]
It doesn't fully compute. Claude looks back at Anakin, his empty eyes, gaze flat, and can't make himself look away, though part of him wants to. If only to get the facts -- right. To have it make sense, somehow. Anakin turned on his own people, for what? Because he'd thought Claude was going to die and it was preventable that way? Suddenly, for the first time in months and months, Claude remembers the large explosion on Paris that would've killed him, if not for the help of Rex, Anakin's second-in-command who'd been assigned to the mission without any real reason or precedence. Just because Anakin had wanted it like that, to keep Claude safe. And Claude thinks about this burning desire to keep him safe, that Anakin has had from the beginning, insisting on it, even. Illogically, senselessly. He knows what Anakin means to him and he's always, somewhere inside, known he means doubly to Anakin.
I destroyed the Jedi.
But Claude had gotten word back that Anakin was gone, and they'd all just assumed he'd been at the Temple during the siege, that he'd died fighting like the rest of them. When instead... he'd... He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again slowly. There's a frown crawling onto his face. Heavy across his brow.
As long as Claude has known Anakin, he was more himself than he was Jedi. He was at the core of it more alone than with them. Sure, Claude could wonder who would turn on their own family, but Anakin thought they hated him, pretty much.
He thought they were just looking for excuses to put him down.
Like masters do.
Anakin never stopped being a slave, did he? He never stopped. Claude swallows hard and licks his lips, then says the only thing that comes to mind which is something that might be actually useful between them in this very moment. ]
You made them pay a heavy price for whatever mistakes you thought they made. [ Pause, then -- ] But you've paid for your own, too, Anakin. Guess that's somewhere to start.
[ And he looks at him still, not looking away, not looking away, taking in his burned face, his brittle skin, the limbs he's lost. There really are no winners in war. Only losers, past, present and future. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
To Anakin, they were and are dispensible.
Claude's voice is quiet as he holds him, speaking close to his ear and Anakin imagines that his breath should be warm, gentle. Around them, the shuttle trembles faintly from strain as the pressure chamber slowly but surely taps it of energy. They'll have to break this moment soon, sooner than either of them wants, and then, there will be reality. What Anakin did. What Claude should choose to love, if he can.
If he can't...
Anakin pushes the thought away. ]
You are not anymore.
[ He squeezes Claude's waist briefly before pulling back, straightening into his seated position once more. Looking at Claude, eating up the visual of him, he thinks about the mask. In a moment, yes, he'll have to let go of this. They can't stay. They can't. Not like this. Eventually, if they were to simply freeze here, unmoving, the shuttle would tumble from its hyperlane and be dead in space, lost. He thinks about Claude leaving again, refusing to love him now, with what he is, what he's done and the thought of floating in nothing forever seems almost pleasant in comparison.
Again, he's afraid.
His gaze slides away. ]
But perhaps you would prefer to be, once you know the whole story.
no subject
[ When Anakin straightens up, so does Claude, though he doesn't stand up completely, needing to stay on eye-level with the other man, although his thighs are buzzing and feeling painful and tight from his crouched position. He makes no promises of after. Being more than able to imagine the extents to which Anakin has gone to end up here, he can't imagine the story that led up to it and he needs to hear it, before they can know where it leaves them, either of them. He makes no promises he might not be able to keep, but he can lend his ear and he can be present to accept what Anakin is willingly giving him. Others would have let him puzzle it together on his own, but Anakin and him... They were never like that. Anakin grapples with his fear. Anakin faces him head on.
Whatever came before, that is admirable. That is true to who they are with each other. ]
Thank you, Anakin.
[ Reaching up, he strokes the other man's cheek once more before letting his elbows come to a rest on his thighs, waiting. Thank you for trusting me, thank you for your honesty, thank you for fighting, trying... I'm fighting, trying, too.
So, they can fight, try together.
As he looks at him, at his familiar features, changed almost beyond recognition, though not for Claude, never for him, Claude thinks that forgiveness isn't in the cards here. Forgiveness isn't in play. The Empire is an atrocity in and by itself, what hasn't Anakin become to serve it. But then he remembers Anakin's history and he thinks, he has served atrocities before, what you are and what you do aren't always synonymous.
Sometimes you act, not due to something inside you, but due to everything around you.
He hopes it's something like that, kriff, he hopes. ]
no subject
Then, he held her in his arms, her blood pooling against the sands, and he forgot.
The pain of loss is, indeed, crippling. With all the pain he's been dealt, it still rates higher than anything. ]
I thought that Sidious - Palpatine - would help me. [ He looks at his hands, flexes his fingers slowly. ] I foresaw your death and he promised...
[ His lips tighten. He takes a breath, the sound harsh, rattling. ]
But then you died anyway or so I thought. And the things I'd done in exchange for his help were not compatible with my old life. I destroyed the Jedi.
[ Slowly, he looks back at Claude, his own gaze flat. Resigned, too, though his voice doesn't tremble. This truth is both hateful and unremarkable; he didn't like striking them down, as he generally doesn't like killing, but he'd done it willingly. He'd done it without a chip in his head and he still doesn't mourn them nor the life they lived, the life he watched from the outside, even after they stopped treating him like a stranger. Anakin never belonged. He's well-aware. ]
no subject
It doesn't fully compute. Claude looks back at Anakin, his empty eyes, gaze flat, and can't make himself look away, though part of him wants to. If only to get the facts -- right. To have it make sense, somehow. Anakin turned on his own people, for what? Because he'd thought Claude was going to die and it was preventable that way? Suddenly, for the first time in months and months, Claude remembers the large explosion on Paris that would've killed him, if not for the help of Rex, Anakin's second-in-command who'd been assigned to the mission without any real reason or precedence. Just because Anakin had wanted it like that, to keep Claude safe. And Claude thinks about this burning desire to keep him safe, that Anakin has had from the beginning, insisting on it, even. Illogically, senselessly. He knows what Anakin means to him and he's always, somewhere inside, known he means doubly to Anakin.
I destroyed the Jedi.
But Claude had gotten word back that Anakin was gone, and they'd all just assumed he'd been at the Temple during the siege, that he'd died fighting like the rest of them. When instead... he'd... He opens his mouth to say something, then closes it again slowly. There's a frown crawling onto his face. Heavy across his brow.
As long as Claude has known Anakin, he was more himself than he was Jedi. He was at the core of it more alone than with them. Sure, Claude could wonder who would turn on their own family, but Anakin thought they hated him, pretty much.
He thought they were just looking for excuses to put him down.
Like masters do.
Anakin never stopped being a slave, did he? He never stopped. Claude swallows hard and licks his lips, then says the only thing that comes to mind which is something that might be actually useful between them in this very moment. ]
You made them pay a heavy price for whatever mistakes you thought they made. [ Pause, then -- ] But you've paid for your own, too, Anakin. Guess that's somewhere to start.
[ And he looks at him still, not looking away, not looking away, taking in his burned face, his brittle skin, the limbs he's lost. There really are no winners in war. Only losers, past, present and future. ]