[ The voice says, I used to be with you, the faintest stress on you, because the rest is mechanical murmur and the clinking of plates, the creaking of screws. Claude grabs Anakin's kyber crystal through his shirt now, hard, an unyielding hold, like he's afraid what's gonna happen to it if he lets go. To him, if he does. What does that even mean? I used to be with you, who is this man, an old friend, an ally? Someone from Paris. His life doesn't go any further back than that. Breathing slow and even, mostly because he hasn't got lung capacity enough for more stress, he stares straight ahead and doesn't register anything. It's not like it isn't there, Claude just doesn't -- can't see it properly like this. And it makes him kriffing furious. He's so tired of getting dragged around, from planet to planet, from plan to plan, from attempt to attempt to attempt where nothing matters, because everything he does inevitably ends up in halves. Because he is.
His knuckles look white when he looks down at his hand, fingers tight and trembling around the kyber. ]
You're making a mockery of the people who used to be with me...
[ Releasing a breath at the same time as he releases his hard grasp on the crystal, Claude gets to his feet in one hard movement, not the way he used to move, when nothing weighed him down but a loincloth. He can't remember the last time he was just partially naked, he sleeps in everything these days, always ready to flee or hide or run. Always ready.
For what? Yeah, you tell him. You tell him.
He turns after one step, two. Looks at the cloaked figure, the man who doesn't seem to be anything but an armour. The man who isn't with them, but used to be with him, and Claude somewhere deep in the endless pit of his stomach feels that should probably mean something. Feels that once, too long ago to think about now, it would have. ]
[ Claude gets up and moves and he loses sight of his face like that, his own range of motion too restricted to turn his head any further. Smiling faintly and humourlessly at the other man's remark - a mockery is a suitable word - he inclines his head before he turns the seat to look at him fully. Claude's watching him with an expression on his face that he can't recognise; either his mask isn't translating the details correctly which is at least semi-likable or Claude's gained (or lost) nuances along the way. They've all lost something, it seems, in the wake of the war and the birth of the new world order.
His hands clench. Un-clench.
I am Darth Vader he could say, and you belong to me. Surely, if he wanted to, he could keep him, make certain that he stays safe. His Master might not even begrudge him that small concession, considering the rocky foundation of his apprenticeship. He could keep him, yes, and Claude would never go anywhere without him, he'd never be in any sort of danger, except perhaps the obvious one.
When people own you, what are you?
What?
The thought of turning Claude into that, of stripping that last bit of resistance from him is intolerable because he knows Claude, what matters and what doesn't, they used to speak of these things at length when the world was warmer and softer and full of sunlit patches. He closes his eyes, reaching for whatever little small bit of courage he might have left. ]
I do. [ He looks at Claude. Tints of red. Too little nuance. But all the same, he looks. ] It's me. This - behind this. [ He can't say it. Instead he gestures uselessly towards his mask an adds, fighting with his own tone of voice, trying to make it softer and failing: ] Do you understand?
[ Do you understand, asks the man with metal in his facade, metal seeping all the way into his voice and Claude doesn't, he doesn't understand anything. How can he know? This man, when he didn't know... the people who used to be with him. When he didn't know Anakin and Anakin is gone, Anakin is gone. He stares a long moment at the expressionless steel of the man's mask, made to scare and intimidate and cower. Except, Claude feels no fear and no intimidation and no need to hide away which in itself is a mystery. He has everything to lose. Just like he's already lost everything once before.
It's me.
Behind this.
And in that moment, he feels all air escape him, his lungs clamping shut and his eyes widening and his hairs standing on end down his arms, shivers down his spine. For the first time, ironically, Claude looks at the man in front of him, who's turned towards him completely now, and feels an overwhelming surge of fear.
The kyber around his neck feels heavy enough to drag him to the ground. Swallowing hard, he grabs the headrest of the nearest chair and clings to it, his knees feeling weak and crumbling beneath him. The muscles in his upper arm flex beneath his shirt from the strength with which he's holding on. He stares. And stares. ]
Anakin?
[ The worst realization isn't even that he doesn't want to believe it. The worst realization is that he doesn't kriffing dare. Hope. ]
[ He can sense Claude's feelings change, from confusion and frustration to something blanker, first, something that doesn't quite know itself, and then -
Vader stares right back at him as the other man clings to the nearest chair, fingers digging in, his knuckles a bony white. It comes afterwards, then, that name, the name he still carries somewhere within his chest despite himself. It's been only two years and he might have pledged himself to Sidious but then, Claude died and it didn't matter, none of it did. He'd been so certain that nothing ever would again until he'd seen him in that cell, looking prepared for the worst (to be tortured and executed by Vader's hand and yes, that is the worst, there is nothing beyond it, nothing). He can sense the kyber calling out to him, clearer now, with the same purpose as always. There's something about it that's always been knife-like and sharp. Cold. Made for change. Sometimes, change is hard.
Sometimes, it's awful. ]
Yes. [ Pause. ] No. I don't know.
[ He looks down. The blue swirls of hyperspace reflect in the durasteel of his boots as the shuttle hurtles along. ]
I was.
[ That, at least, he can say without getting lost, trying to put the words together. He doesn't look up, feeling ridiculously small despite the suit or perhaps, indeed, because of it. Even after two years, he still isn't used to the clumsy nature of it, the stiffness of his joints. He can feel a well of emotion building beneath the surface at the thought alone, of Claude speaking that name to him when there ought to be nothing left to respond but the by-now-familiar anger won't come. It never did around him.
Instead, his left eye is tearing up, what little it still can. ]
The Empire's watch dog? That would still be Anakin, Anakin who was the Jedi Order's watch dog first. He's just exchanged one master with another, if so. If so. Turning around fully, coming face to face with the other man in his metallic suit and his dead mask and his cloak, Claude's mouth sets, a stubborn, insistent line, unlike any expression he's made since he got the news, exaggerated obviously, of Anakin's death. He wanted to change the world, once. Now he just wants the world to change for him, for them.
Come on, have some kriffing pity on them.
On Anakin who was proud and arrogant and self-conscious and the thing that weighed the most about him was his metaphorical balls. Anakin whose balls are still of steel, along with the rest of him, because here Claude is, where he has been taken, where he has been led. Anakin who holds every potential to lead, as much as he holds every potential to be led astray. Meaning, he holds every option in his hand, but works for people who don't want him to use his free will, not now, not ever. Claude vividly remembers having had this very conversation with him before, long ago. But not longer than that. They both still remember, that much is clear. They still remember. They still --
His eyes are brimming over with tears and he breathes in, air stuck in his throat, thick and wet. Then, without saying a single word, he walks up to the man in the pilot's seat, stops right in front of him, Anakin still on eye-level with him, sitting down. In how many ways has he grown since they last saw each other? In how many ways has he shrunk?
Wiping at his left cheek with the fingers of the corresponding hand, Claude reaches up with his right hand and touches his palm to the side of Anakin's helmet. He doesn't try to remove it himself, he hasn't been given permission and everything else aside, he won't just be a new master, giving new orders. He wants to be his support.
That's different. ]
Can you take it off for me? I want to -- [ Voice breaking, he has to wait half a second before continuing, correcting himself easily. ] -- I need to see you.
[ He doesn't look up, not even as Claude approaches but he can feel the mood changing regardless, the storm of emotions rising across the space between them. A part of him wants to revel in them, the potential darkness lingering like a promise in every moment of sadness or grief; when harnessed correctly, there's always potential, destructive transformation there, capable of breaking things, of leaving them to burn and turn to ashes. But he hasn't been a Sith for very long, nor has he been a very studious apprentice and consequently, the urge to simply fall to the ground on his knees and slam his head into the floor is greater. He stays where he is, curling his hands against his knees and squeezing hard enough that the joints creak, sensors sending spikes of pain into his nervous system.
When he finally looks up at Claude behind the mask because he has to, because at some point, the sense of proximity becomes too pronounced to ignore, what remains of his heart breaks from recognition. It's not just the way he looks - so familiar, this close up - but also, the way he's crying. Anguish is the most painful feeling in the world, he thinks. Useless. Devoid of power.
At this moment, they look at each other and they're once more perfectly in sync.
He looks at Claude for a long moment before he rises to his feet, towering above him by too many inches. He can't feel the echoes of Claude's fingers against his helmet, of course, but he can imagine. There will be spots there, now, damp and completely unique to him, the man he thought he'd lost.
Bits of treasure, undeserved. ]
This way, then.
[ He steps around him and heads for the back of the modified shuttle without pausing to see if Claude truly follows along. He doesn't want to believe anything.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
His knuckles look white when he looks down at his hand, fingers tight and trembling around the kyber. ]
You're making a mockery of the people who used to be with me...
[ Releasing a breath at the same time as he releases his hard grasp on the crystal, Claude gets to his feet in one hard movement, not the way he used to move, when nothing weighed him down but a loincloth. He can't remember the last time he was just partially naked, he sleeps in everything these days, always ready to flee or hide or run. Always ready.
For what? Yeah, you tell him. You tell him.
He turns after one step, two. Looks at the cloaked figure, the man who doesn't seem to be anything but an armour. The man who isn't with them, but used to be with him, and Claude somewhere deep in the endless pit of his stomach feels that should probably mean something. Feels that once, too long ago to think about now, it would have. ]
... I hope you know that.
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His hands clench. Un-clench.
I am Darth Vader he could say, and you belong to me. Surely, if he wanted to, he could keep him, make certain that he stays safe. His Master might not even begrudge him that small concession, considering the rocky foundation of his apprenticeship. He could keep him, yes, and Claude would never go anywhere without him, he'd never be in any sort of danger, except perhaps the obvious one.
When people own you, what are you?
What?
The thought of turning Claude into that, of stripping that last bit of resistance from him is intolerable because he knows Claude, what matters and what doesn't, they used to speak of these things at length when the world was warmer and softer and full of sunlit patches. He closes his eyes, reaching for whatever little small bit of courage he might have left. ]
I do. [ He looks at Claude. Tints of red. Too little nuance. But all the same, he looks. ] It's me. This - behind this. [ He can't say it. Instead he gestures uselessly towards his mask an adds, fighting with his own tone of voice, trying to make it softer and failing: ] Do you understand?
no subject
It's me.
Behind this.
And in that moment, he feels all air escape him, his lungs clamping shut and his eyes widening and his hairs standing on end down his arms, shivers down his spine. For the first time, ironically, Claude looks at the man in front of him, who's turned towards him completely now, and feels an overwhelming surge of fear.
The kyber around his neck feels heavy enough to drag him to the ground. Swallowing hard, he grabs the headrest of the nearest chair and clings to it, his knees feeling weak and crumbling beneath him. The muscles in his upper arm flex beneath his shirt from the strength with which he's holding on. He stares. And stares. ]
Anakin?
[ The worst realization isn't even that he doesn't want to believe it. The worst realization is that he doesn't kriffing dare. Hope. ]
no subject
Vader stares right back at him as the other man clings to the nearest chair, fingers digging in, his knuckles a bony white. It comes afterwards, then, that name, the name he still carries somewhere within his chest despite himself. It's been only two years and he might have pledged himself to Sidious but then, Claude died and it didn't matter, none of it did. He'd been so certain that nothing ever would again until he'd seen him in that cell, looking prepared for the worst (to be tortured and executed by Vader's hand and yes, that is the worst, there is nothing beyond it, nothing). He can sense the kyber calling out to him, clearer now, with the same purpose as always. There's something about it that's always been knife-like and sharp. Cold. Made for change. Sometimes, change is hard.
Sometimes, it's awful. ]
Yes. [ Pause. ] No. I don't know.
[ He looks down. The blue swirls of hyperspace reflect in the durasteel of his boots as the shuttle hurtles along. ]
I was.
[ That, at least, he can say without getting lost, trying to put the words together. He doesn't look up, feeling ridiculously small despite the suit or perhaps, indeed, because of it. Even after two years, he still isn't used to the clumsy nature of it, the stiffness of his joints. He can feel a well of emotion building beneath the surface at the thought alone, of Claude speaking that name to him when there ought to be nothing left to respond but the by-now-familiar anger won't come. It never did around him.
Instead, his left eye is tearing up, what little it still can. ]
no subject
Who is he now, then? If not Anakin.
The Empire's watch dog? That would still be Anakin, Anakin who was the Jedi Order's watch dog first. He's just exchanged one master with another, if so. If so. Turning around fully, coming face to face with the other man in his metallic suit and his dead mask and his cloak, Claude's mouth sets, a stubborn, insistent line, unlike any expression he's made since he got the news, exaggerated obviously, of Anakin's death. He wanted to change the world, once. Now he just wants the world to change for him, for them.
Come on, have some kriffing pity on them.
On Anakin who was proud and arrogant and self-conscious and the thing that weighed the most about him was his metaphorical balls. Anakin whose balls are still of steel, along with the rest of him, because here Claude is, where he has been taken, where he has been led. Anakin who holds every potential to lead, as much as he holds every potential to be led astray. Meaning, he holds every option in his hand, but works for people who don't want him to use his free will, not now, not ever. Claude vividly remembers having had this very conversation with him before, long ago. But not longer than that. They both still remember, that much is clear. They still remember. They still --
His eyes are brimming over with tears and he breathes in, air stuck in his throat, thick and wet. Then, without saying a single word, he walks up to the man in the pilot's seat, stops right in front of him, Anakin still on eye-level with him, sitting down. In how many ways has he grown since they last saw each other? In how many ways has he shrunk?
Wiping at his left cheek with the fingers of the corresponding hand, Claude reaches up with his right hand and touches his palm to the side of Anakin's helmet. He doesn't try to remove it himself, he hasn't been given permission and everything else aside, he won't just be a new master, giving new orders. He wants to be his support.
That's different. ]
Can you take it off for me? I want to -- [ Voice breaking, he has to wait half a second before continuing, correcting himself easily. ] -- I need to see you.
no subject
When he finally looks up at Claude behind the mask because he has to, because at some point, the sense of proximity becomes too pronounced to ignore, what remains of his heart breaks from recognition. It's not just the way he looks - so familiar, this close up - but also, the way he's crying. Anguish is the most painful feeling in the world, he thinks. Useless. Devoid of power.
At this moment, they look at each other and they're once more perfectly in sync.
He looks at Claude for a long moment before he rises to his feet, towering above him by too many inches. He can't feel the echoes of Claude's fingers against his helmet, of course, but he can imagine. There will be spots there, now, damp and completely unique to him, the man he thought he'd lost.
Bits of treasure, undeserved. ]
This way, then.
[ He steps around him and heads for the back of the modified shuttle without pausing to see if Claude truly follows along. He doesn't want to believe anything.
After all - then, he'd have to hope.
And after that? ]