[ Claude's smile is small but full of understanding and Anakin swallows in response, painfully this time, and sits back a little, straightening. The other man is, as always, being considerate and giving him an out and Anakin is tempted to take it; it's not that he can't talk about what happened (though he hasn't, actually, ever) but rather...
Obi-Wan will do what he can to stop me. [ A sharp nod, gesturing at his own body. ] For what I did - well. I suppose others would have done the same.
[ His voice is blank. The fact is, while he would have expected being left behind to suffer from the rest of the Council, from other Jedi - perhaps it would have even been just, if you ignore the whole doctrine about compassion - the mental image of Obi-Wan leaving him behind like it was nothing has burned itself into his retinas worse than the fumes and ashes. Before Anakin's betrayal, before he lost his ability to navigate the agendas spinning out of control around him, he would have laid down his life for him.
His eyes narrow as he fights down a wave of anger, twisted with other, more difficult emotions, hot and violently dangerous. He will save them, he thinks, for later. There are suitable conflicts waiting for him where he's going. ]
Staring at Anakin in a horror he's never felt in regards to the outcome of it, he takes in the other man's words and translates them to something very curt and to the point: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin's teacher, Anakin's Master, did this to him, crippled him so thoroughly, leaving him to his fate, rather than doing what would under the circumstances have been the merciful thing. He has never wished death upon Anakin for what he did, but he has wished him peace. He has wished him peace a thousand times.
Seems he was right in being reminded of Rainier. He was right in the bitter taste on the back of his tongue, the overt skepticism, the long hours of not giving in. He was right in all that.
His hands curl into fists in his lap, grabbing the fabric of his trousers and twisting into it. It's not that often he gets this angry. His mouth feels dry and there's a short moment of panic in which he doesn't actually know how to respond.
I suppose others would have done the same.
No doubt, they would have. ]
But Kenobi wasn't others. [ Suddenly desperate to bridge the distance between them, however long or short it may be, Claude frees his right hand from its convulsive grip and reaches out, holding his hand out, palm flat, turned-out. Somehow, between them, it's become code for all the things they can't as easily address in these loaded moments, at this point. The things that don't even have words. ] I'm sorry, Anakin.
[ Anakin looks at him, frowning. He watches his outstretched hand for a second or two before he connects them, folding his own fingers against the blue light, entwining them the best they can at this distance. It feels good, familiar. It brings him back to himself.
Of course, Claude gets it. That's why he's angry now in a way that Anakin rarely sees - Claude, too, has had a mentor once and their relationship was a failure. It's not quite comparable, after all, Claude was trying to free Rainier's people, not obliterate them. Anakin knows what he did. But they meet here, in this understanding, regardless and though he shouldn't indulge because unlike Claude, he deserved to burn, a part of him is almost pitifully grateful. To Claude, who loves him anyway. Claude, who understands.
He flicks a stray tear off his cheek with his other hand. Then, he gives Claude a smile, shaky but genuine enough to make his eyes crinkle. They are here now. And they must work around their circumstances, him and Claude, as they've done so many times before. ]
Like I said. Just take care.
[ Obi-Wan won't be a danger to Claude, provided they keep their relation - and relationship - hidden. He's not that kind of man, not to others. And before Order 66, Obi-Wan would have said the same about him, he thinks, but Obi-Wan was wrong and blinded by the Jedi doctrines. They played Sidious' game in the end, to their detriment - and if they hadn't, the galaxy would have possibly fallen anyway. Such thought experiments are useless. It all comes back to the same truth; the Jedi were too late. They played right into Sidious' hands, the way beings tend to do, no more capable at stopping what was happening than anyone else.
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no subject
Well.
It's embarrassing, isn't it. Humiliating.
But Claude should know, he thinks, in case anything comes up - Anakin can't be another blind spot for him, especially not while Padmé still insists on holding certain things back from him because of their association. He flexes his fingers, testing the hydraulics in his lower arm quickly before folding his hands against his knees. ]
Obi-Wan will do what he can to stop me. [ A sharp nod, gesturing at his own body. ] For what I did - well. I suppose others would have done the same.
[ His voice is blank. The fact is, while he would have expected being left behind to suffer from the rest of the Council, from other Jedi - perhaps it would have even been just, if you ignore the whole doctrine about compassion - the mental image of Obi-Wan leaving him behind like it was nothing has burned itself into his retinas worse than the fumes and ashes. Before Anakin's betrayal, before he lost his ability to navigate the agendas spinning out of control around him, he would have laid down his life for him.
His eyes narrow as he fights down a wave of anger, twisted with other, more difficult emotions, hot and violently dangerous. He will save them, he thinks, for later. There are suitable conflicts waiting for him where he's going. ]
no subject
Then, Claude stares.
Staring at Anakin in a horror he's never felt in regards to the outcome of it, he takes in the other man's words and translates them to something very curt and to the point: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin's teacher, Anakin's Master, did this to him, crippled him so thoroughly, leaving him to his fate, rather than doing what would under the circumstances have been the merciful thing. He has never wished death upon Anakin for what he did, but he has wished him peace. He has wished him peace a thousand times.
Seems he was right in being reminded of Rainier. He was right in the bitter taste on the back of his tongue, the overt skepticism, the long hours of not giving in. He was right in all that.
His hands curl into fists in his lap, grabbing the fabric of his trousers and twisting into it. It's not that often he gets this angry. His mouth feels dry and there's a short moment of panic in which he doesn't actually know how to respond.
I suppose others would have done the same.
No doubt, they would have. ]
But Kenobi wasn't others. [ Suddenly desperate to bridge the distance between them, however long or short it may be, Claude frees his right hand from its convulsive grip and reaches out, holding his hand out, palm flat, turned-out. Somehow, between them, it's become code for all the things they can't as easily address in these loaded moments, at this point. The things that don't even have words. ] I'm sorry, Anakin.
no subject
Of course, Claude gets it. That's why he's angry now in a way that Anakin rarely sees - Claude, too, has had a mentor once and their relationship was a failure. It's not quite comparable, after all, Claude was trying to free Rainier's people, not obliterate them. Anakin knows what he did. But they meet here, in this understanding, regardless and though he shouldn't indulge because unlike Claude, he deserved to burn, a part of him is almost pitifully grateful. To Claude, who loves him anyway. Claude, who understands.
He flicks a stray tear off his cheek with his other hand. Then, he gives Claude a smile, shaky but genuine enough to make his eyes crinkle. They are here now. And they must work around their circumstances, him and Claude, as they've done so many times before. ]
Like I said. Just take care.
[ Obi-Wan won't be a danger to Claude, provided they keep their relation - and relationship - hidden. He's not that kind of man, not to others. And before Order 66, Obi-Wan would have said the same about him, he thinks, but Obi-Wan was wrong and blinded by the Jedi doctrines. They played Sidious' game in the end, to their detriment - and if they hadn't, the galaxy would have possibly fallen anyway. Such thought experiments are useless. It all comes back to the same truth; the Jedi were too late. They played right into Sidious' hands, the way beings tend to do, no more capable at stopping what was happening than anyone else.
In that, Anakin is no different.
And his old Master could do no better than him. ]