[ He nods, his body curling in on itself somewhat as he crosses his legs under the table, metal screeching against metal. He holds onto his cup like it's a lifeline for a moment, though he doesn't look away from Claude who isn't looking away from him. For some reason, he still isn't. The other man is determined to hold onto him, it seems, through every awful little detail; even when Anakin has managed to help create the exact kind of world that he's been fighting against his whole life. That they promised each other they'd challenge. It feels like yet another betrayal - because it is.
Claude's voice is gentle, still, and Anakin can listen, at least. ]
I thought as long as you lived, we could do anything. The price didn't matter because...
[ His voice is quiet, scratchy behind the mask. He takes another breath, then removes it once more. He feels a persistent urge to defend himself, like an itch that you can scratch until you bleed, until there's nothing left of you and still, it won't stop. He resists. It's not what either of them wants. ]
But in the end, what really saved you? A good man, doing what he promised to do. [ He finally picks up his caf and sips it, straightening in his seat as he swallows it down. ] I just left them, Claude. My army. I haven't even looked to see what happened afterwards, what'll happen to them.
[ Meeting Claude's eyes, he gives him a slight smile. ]
[ Yes, Anakin just left them, because at the time he had eye for nothing else, he hardly even had eye for himself. Claude won't tell him it was good, that it was the fair choice to make, but maybe it was necessary - to get here, to this point where he's less bound and less trapped inside himself. Feminism isn't about ignoring the little steps on the journey in favour of taking down the mountain, both the mountain and the little steps there are equally important, for different reasons, they end at the same outcome.
They talked about that, too, once.
Swallowing heavily, he eats a couple of spoonfuls more of the heavy broth that tastes like wildlife and forest, it's good. And Anakin is taking care of him which counts for something, even when he still needs to extend the same kindness to himself. Claude can understand how it must be hard finding that forgiveness in yourself.
But there's honestly nothing to forgive, what happened can't be forgiven, only understood.
He puts the spoon down, reaches across the table and pushes his fingertips to Anakin's knuckles, knowing he'll feel him in input and sensory translations. That's the barrier they have to live with now, some things can't go the direct route any longer. ]
There's still time, Anakin. Rex is their contact. He'll be dropping them off. [ Claude knows he needs to be completely forthcoming now, not to pressure Anakin needlessly. ] You don't have to do anything you're not ready for, but you're not out of options.
[ He pauses at Claude's initial comment. You do, too. He does? Well, yes, obviously - at the moment, he's stuck with very little to do because he's passed on Project Stardust to other hands, hands that hold better connections, better possibilities. But that doesn't mean he can't do anything else, does it? Potentially, he could offer his assistance in getting the men who used to fight for him settled in new lives, new identities. It would be fitting and his mind is already trawling through possible ways to make it happen in the practical sense when Claude adds -
Oh.
Oh, so. Yes.
He really needs to remember that he doesn't exist in a vacuum. Neither do his choices. Rex is their contact so that means either doing his own thing parallel to this operation which would be extremely idiotic, considering how limited his own range of movement has become over the past months - or finding a way to work with Rex, Rex who - even with a chip in his head - managed not to betray his own principles. He imagines meeting him now, like this, and immediately loses all interest in his caf. He isn't certain whether or not his system can, in fact, throw anything up anymore but it definitely feels like he might find out if he takes another sip.
He sighs. Loudly.
Then, he looks at Claude's fingers, resting lightly against his knuckles. Back at him, who's so busy concerning himself with Anakin that he's forgetting himself, the way he tends to - with his causes, with people in general who need help. He remembers how willing he'd been to lose his life for this, back on Mustafar. It seems like ages ago to Anakin but it isn't, not really. He covers the other man's hand with his own and nods towards the bowl. ]
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Claude's voice is gentle, still, and Anakin can listen, at least. ]
I thought as long as you lived, we could do anything. The price didn't matter because...
[ His voice is quiet, scratchy behind the mask. He takes another breath, then removes it once more. He feels a persistent urge to defend himself, like an itch that you can scratch until you bleed, until there's nothing left of you and still, it won't stop. He resists. It's not what either of them wants. ]
But in the end, what really saved you? A good man, doing what he promised to do. [ He finally picks up his caf and sips it, straightening in his seat as he swallows it down. ] I just left them, Claude. My army. I haven't even looked to see what happened afterwards, what'll happen to them.
[ Meeting Claude's eyes, he gives him a slight smile. ]
Good thing you have something to offer them.
no subject
[ Yes, Anakin just left them, because at the time he had eye for nothing else, he hardly even had eye for himself. Claude won't tell him it was good, that it was the fair choice to make, but maybe it was necessary - to get here, to this point where he's less bound and less trapped inside himself. Feminism isn't about ignoring the little steps on the journey in favour of taking down the mountain, both the mountain and the little steps there are equally important, for different reasons, they end at the same outcome.
They talked about that, too, once.
Swallowing heavily, he eats a couple of spoonfuls more of the heavy broth that tastes like wildlife and forest, it's good. And Anakin is taking care of him which counts for something, even when he still needs to extend the same kindness to himself. Claude can understand how it must be hard finding that forgiveness in yourself.
But there's honestly nothing to forgive, what happened can't be forgiven, only understood.
He puts the spoon down, reaches across the table and pushes his fingertips to Anakin's knuckles, knowing he'll feel him in input and sensory translations. That's the barrier they have to live with now, some things can't go the direct route any longer. ]
There's still time, Anakin. Rex is their contact. He'll be dropping them off. [ Claude knows he needs to be completely forthcoming now, not to pressure Anakin needlessly. ] You don't have to do anything you're not ready for, but you're not out of options.
no subject
Oh.
Oh, so. Yes.
He really needs to remember that he doesn't exist in a vacuum. Neither do his choices. Rex is their contact so that means either doing his own thing parallel to this operation which would be extremely idiotic, considering how limited his own range of movement has become over the past months - or finding a way to work with Rex, Rex who - even with a chip in his head - managed not to betray his own principles. He imagines meeting him now, like this, and immediately loses all interest in his caf. He isn't certain whether or not his system can, in fact, throw anything up anymore but it definitely feels like he might find out if he takes another sip.
He sighs. Loudly.
Then, he looks at Claude's fingers, resting lightly against his knuckles. Back at him, who's so busy concerning himself with Anakin that he's forgetting himself, the way he tends to - with his causes, with people in general who need help. He remembers how willing he'd been to lose his life for this, back on Mustafar. It seems like ages ago to Anakin but it isn't, not really. He covers the other man's hand with his own and nods towards the bowl. ]
Eat, my love.
[ He releases him and leans back in his seat. ]
And I promise I'll do my thinking, too.